The tears started falling on the train already.
I could call it learning experience.
Or one of those life tests where I'm meant to show up in confidence, set boundaries, and remember my worth.
But bottom line... it just sucked.
I let a particular someone make me feel small. So small. I could feel it happening. I've been there before with this person.
But despite the best laid plans and preparation...
Despite understanding deep down that nothing this person can say defines me, my life, or my worth...
There seemed to be nothing I could do to turn the situation around in the moment.
I felt small. Helpless. Stupid.
The "approving" audience definitely didn't help.
When Life Throws A Curve Ball
Life has a way of throwing curves balls, knocking our feet out from underneath us, and twisting us up in knots.
Rarely is it conveniently timed and almost never is it welcome.
But you've got a business to run. A family that needs you. And a life worth living and loving.
That strong front might work for awhile. But how do you actually recover, move beyond what's undermined you or your goals, and get back to your most effective self?
Resilience is the name of the game here and if we were to put a business KPI around it, I'd say your time to being back to baseline is a good one.
By the way, I'm not tackling grief here. Major loss is one of those things where maybe your baseline shifts entirely.
But when something throws us off or undermines our forward progression, getting back into the game is imperative for business and life, especially when other people - clients, employees, our family members - depend on us getting back to our most effective selves.
And that is all about practicing resilience.
So here are some of my favorite tips for incorporating resilience into business.
DISCLAIMER: I'm not a licensed (or any kind of) therapist and nothing I say is a replacement for professionally trained help. You might find therapy helpful for a specific situation or long term. Also, if you're having extreme thoughts or feeling suicidal, call 988 or 911.
It's okay to feel.
I'm not recommending train tears (though I'm not not recommending it - I've clearly been there. Airplane tears and coffee shop tears too.).
And I get that not everyone has been allowed in life to think this is acceptable.
But acknowledging how we feel is truly powerful.
Anger. Shame. Self-flagellation (that one is fun to say out loud). Insecurity. Fear.
These and other emotions are signals and it's valuable to tune into them. The more you do, the easier it becomes to access those resilience muscles.
Find trusted people to share your emotions with.
Emotional vomiting, especially in an office setting, can do more damage than good.
And yet holding onto certain emotions, especially externalizing blame and anger, or burying them down deep lessens your control over the situation. (Or may just come back to bite you later - trust me on this).
So give yourself time and space with specific people you trust.
To give an example, I knew I needed more reinforcements than usual. I called my mom that night, had another call with my sister that ended up with us both laughing, and texted with two friends who had background knowledge and who could strike the balance between outrage, reassurance and humor. One could argue I "wasted time" better spent elsewhere, but after those conversations, I felt far more grounded, positive and while certainly not 100%, ready to move into action.
Take control, even over something small.
Your baseline is that of a highly effective professional. One who solves problems, takes action, and accepts responsibility... if not for the world at large, at least for building a future that works for you, your business and your clients.
Which means that action in the here and now is a way to move the needle forward, exercising resilience and re-empowering yourself and your situation.
Is there one thing you can do now that will help you move on? Is there something that puts you back in a feeling of empowerment?
Regret is the ugly side of self-responsibility and it isn't healthy unless you can learn from it and move forward. But whatever role you had in a bad situation... it's done. There is no getting in a time machine and doing it different. So do your best to learn and shift into a new place through action.
Remap your thinking
Deciding on next actions can feel futile. Or maybe you've started taking action but that brain of yours keeps calling you back into the emotional spiral.
Let's start with some questions...
This might not be the best moment to make a major decision, but some reframes and few micro-actions will help your brain refocus on what's in your control.
Build a toolkit.
Unfortunately, our journey back to effectiveness after a disruption is not always easy... or smooth.
Learning about ourselves and tuning in to what YOU need makes a huge difference.
Surrounding yourself with trusted people, letting your emotions be emotions, and reasserting your effectiveness by taking action will nearly always have a role to play. But you might find it helpful to build a broader resilience toolkit that suits your personality and potential patterns.
The technique could be quiet and spiritual like prayer, meditation, journaling or affirmations.
It could be physical including options from exercise to hot/cold therapy to grounding techniques like breathwork or tapping/EFT.
Or maybe you'd like to pursue professional therapy. A complete outsider, with the right training, can bring fresh perspective that a well-meaning loved one or colleague isn't always able to offer.
The Journey Forward
Remember, your life is what you decide to make of it. Not the economy... Not nasty people... Not health scares or moves or divorces...
It's what YOU decide it gets to be.
We are all works in progress. Sometimes we'll make mistakes. Sometimes a not-nice person will come out of the woodwork.
Sometimes it's completely random.
But there is a business you're growing. A journey with hard things you've already survived.
And like the coal pressurized into a diamond, you will make it through this too.
