How to Maintain High Standards Without Shame, Blame, or Burnout

Decluttering my closet, loading it all up to take to Goodwill, and then... 

Letting it sit in the trunk of my car - or worse, the corner of my kitchen - and never fully completing the task by donating it. 

(In fairness, I don't have a car and there is no walking distance drop-off point. I bet you have excuses too.)

I can "should" on myself about it. 

But those shoulds are never a pleasant feeling (except possibly when we are dishing it out toward others) and highly unlikely to be productive. 

Why "Should" Creates Resistance (and What To Do About It)

Being told we "should" do something might make you want to dig in your heels or dismiss someone and their ideas outright. 

It might make us veer off into excuses or "reasons why" something is happening versus taking personal responsibility. 

(Note to self: I could have just put the bag with a free sign out on the sidewalk and it would be gone in an hour. Doing that today...) 

And guilt and shame might feel justified, as the boss especially, but that kind of subterfuge from your team or in your own behavior can tank your business results. 

So radical idea here... 

Maybe it's time to take a different approach to underperformance and stop "should-ing" on yourself and your team. 

A Better Test Than Frustration: Is It Absolutely True?

If you've ever done a reframing exercise, particularly the work of Byron Katie, there comes a step in The Work when you take a look at the thought or thing you've listed out that's bothering you... 

Let's say our ill-fitting shirt of the day is "Mary should pay more attention to details in her work." 

And one of the first steps in shifting into a more proactive state of mind, so we can do something proactive about it if we need to, is to decide if that statement is true. 

Is it true that Mary should pay more attention to details in her work? 

At first glance, we might say yes. Especially because Mary is probably driving you up the wall by missing out on some detail that you have to later fix, costing you time, frustration, and the possibility of the client thinking you don't have your sh*t together. 

But the process tells us to take it a step further. 

Is it absolutely (100%, no exceptions) true that Mary should pay more attention to details in her work? 

No.  

• Mary might be a non-linear thinker that you put into a detailed, task-oriented role.
• Mary might have a different expectation of what detail oriented means.
• The task might not actually require the detailed approach.
• You might need to be more detail oriented.
• You might need to manage your time or describe the requirements to Mary better.
• Your client might not care about the typo. 

If even one exception exists, the statement is not absolutely true. You might feel like it's still true that your employee needs to be more detail-oriented.

But hanging on to that statement or belief is not only keeping you from making proactive progress, it's probably putting a huge roadblock in your relationship with Mary. 

We should on others. We should on ourselves. 

But rarely (ahem... never) is the "should" statement absolutely true. 

Even something so unobjectionable like "people should love their kids" or "companies should treat their customers with care"... it's clear that lots of people and companies don't do these things (or don't do them to the extent we want them to).

Just because we think they should, doesn't mean they do or they will. The should statement becomes meaningless except to feed our frustrations. 

Motivating Behavior: Shifting To Something More Productive Than Shame 

At this point, the lack of absolute truth will convince some to let go of the thought and move on in a new way. 

But if you aren't yet convinced, the next step is asking yourself this: 

Does this thought serve you? 

AND 

Would it serve you to let this thought go? 

In a business setting, continuing with a program of shame - because that's really what it is when you continue to hold onto a judgment rather than a proactive course of action - doesn't serve.

Judgment raises the stakes with people - which might be just why you feel comfortable using it.  The stakes are high for you as the owner.  But because it's linked to social standing, it can generate some adherence but it also creates defensiveness, a need to hide or flee, or simply paralysis in the person it's directed at.  

In other words, the shame and judgment might feel natural and justified, but it's not serving you with any kind of positive effect on behavior change when deployed repeatedly or with the wrong person or situation.

Maintaining Standards Without The "Should" & Shame

To be clear, when it comes to having standards, you do get to have standards. 

But our frustrations - and the "shoulding" on ourselves and others - comes when our standards aren't so neat, clean or clear to others. 

And should-ing on them (or yourself) will only halt conversation and progress if not deployed correctly. 

Used excessively, shame can also create resentment and underperformance via death-by-a-thousand-paper-cuts. 

Honest feedback, understanding their WIIFM ("what's in it for me"), working them toward individual goals you can mutually agree on will help.

Turn Standards Into Execution

The 3x3 for Delegation, Leadership, and SOPs

For translating this into business operations, here's my 3x3 practical ways to move from frustrating shoulds into solid foundations. 

1. Delegation 

1. Get clear on your definition of success.
2. Understand what traits - strengths, skills, expertise - are needed to perform to this definition of success
3. Match the person to the role or job, not the role or job to the person. 

In other words, if you're going to get frustrated because Mary never pays attention to details, you might have Mary in the wrong role. And you can fix Mary's role or send the job elsewhere MUCH easier than you can make Mary something she's just not. 

2. Leadership 

1. Replace the shoulds with self-responsibility and an open mind.
2. Consider what you could do differently.
3. Have a clear headed conversation with the other party (if you choose). 

Maybe Mary has some great ideas on making the process better. Or has something going on in the background that you need to know about. Dropping the shoulds and approaching the situation with collaboration in mind will do wonders. Plus, you might learn something about your employee or your organization you didn't know before but can now capitalize on. 

3. SOPs & Processes 

1. Set your End Point definition of success include the indicators (measures) and identity (brand, reputation, etc.).
2. Define the risks and rewards.
3. Highlight where certain process steps leading up to the outcome can trigger those risks, reward.

There's a tendency by people under pressure to get to the outcome fast. But done and done-with-this-certain-detail-correct are two different things.

When we add meaning and efficacy standards to our language, we get better results with motivating language than we would with shame or judgment, which just end up triggering a threat response. 

For example, give our imaginary Mary, in advance and in the process or checklist you provide, the "yes, this behavior is a big deal" insights that can otherwise get buried in a quest to keep momentum flowing. 

One easy way I do this: add a Red Flag or Green Check callout in a process doc.  It's not the only thing you should depend on but it is a way of getting it documented.

When Your People Aren't The Problem

It's also important take responsibility for the roadblocks you throw up for others. 

Your employees are in just as much of a value exchange with you as your clients are. You don't own them. 

What I often see working on improving business operations with my clients is that when you've created a foundation for your business that feels like quicksand - you're stuck, things falls through the cracks, or there's some kind of operational ceiling blocking you from headache-free growth - that's affecting your team members from going the extra mile or even sometimes from meeting the basic standards of their job. 

It will look and sound like productivity or efficiency problems.  You might think they don't pay attention to details or that they aren't up to the task.  

If you can't give a business reason - not just your personal preference - for why the standard exists, that's worth examining before you examine your employees.

And if your "justifiable" business reason is due to poor systems and organizational structure, there are ways to fix it.

The time to stop should-ing on yourself and others is now.

When you catch yourself in the act, you can pivot and embrace more proactive and positive forward movement than you can stuck in the frustration and shame.

And if the shoulds keep pointing at your systems rather than your people, that's worth a conversation.